Friendship: Week 5

The definition of friend in the Merriam-Webster dictionary is “one attached to another by affection or esteem or a favored companion.”  When we get married, I agree with Dr. John Gottman that we should not only be in love with our spouses, but we need to be friends with our spouses.  Friends are the people who are cheering for us and supporting us.  Friends help us to achieve our dreams and goals.  Friends are there when life does not go right and help us through our trials.  Sometimes we fight with our friends, but we make up.  Why would we not want our spouse to also be our friend?   Gottman stated, “Friendship is a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company,” and, “Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.” I agree with him. 

I have noticed through the years that friendship can sometimes wax and wane.  It takes work to maintain a good friendship where good feelings override everything else.  There have been times in my marriage where those good feelings have been overridden by negativity and criticism.  It takes a concerted effort to turn those feelings around to the positive.  In reading H. Wallace Goddard’s book, "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage," it reminded me we have to change our mindset.  Instead of focusing so much on myself, I should focus on my spouse and what feelings he may be having.  I have been blessed with a very compassionate spouse.  He is very even in temperament.  He is also good at reminding me when I am getting a little out of control with my tone of voice or words.  This always brings me right back to looking at my spouse as my friend and not my enemy.

I know no marriage is perfect and I know no marriage is the same.  I always fall back to the example of my paternal grandparents’ marriage.  It was not perfect, but I could clearly see how much they loved each other and how devoted they were to each other.  My grandparents raised six children, owned their own business and worked together at it, and never tired of being together.  You could always find my grandmother in the kitchen cooking something because she wanted to make sure her husband had good food to eat for all his meals.  My grandfather always worked hard and would come home to enjoy his meals, which he always thanked grandma for profusely.  After retirement, grandma was still always in the kitchen with grandpa sitting at the bar of the kitchen to be with her. They were a model of friendship and love until the end.   It reminded me of the comparison in Goddard's book on the Good Samaritan.  I had not looked at the story of the Good Samaritan and compared it to marriage, but what an effective way to show how marriage should be.  The Good Samaritan did all that Christ would to help ensure the safety of the battered man on the road.  He cared for him and paid for his continued care.  I hope to continually grow in compassion like the Good Samaritan for my spouse and keep improving my marriage.  Marriage is a good proving ground, which helps us to grow in gospel concepts as we support and lift each other up. 

References

Gottman, J. M. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.  Harmony Books. New York, NY.

Goddard, H. W. (2009) Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage: Eternal Doctrines that Change Relationships. Joymap Publishing. Cedar Hills, UT.

Friend. (2017) In Merriam-Webster.com. Retreived January 31, 2017, from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/friend#h1

Henry Ford. Brainy Quote.com. Retrieved January 31, 2017, from//www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_friendship.html

Henry Van Dyke. Brainy Quote.com. Retrieved January 31, 2017, from //www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_friendship.html