My husband and I started dating when my mother-in-law was on a trip to Europe. She had been a widow for almost two years at that point and was trying to find her balance in life. We dated for two weeks and became engaged. She was still not back from her trip. When she came home, my husband casually told her he was getting married in three months. She was shocked because when she left he was not dating anyone. He wanted me to meet her, but the only time that was convenient for everyone was when my husband was at work. I went to the house alone to meet my future mother-in-law. I admit I was scared, worried if she would like me, or if she would think I was good enough for her son. I should not have been worried. She has been a great mother-in-law. She gave the choice of calling her by her given name or mom and said she would not be offended either way. She has always been so kind and helpful. We don’t always agree on how to handle things and have different opinions about some issues, but we get along great and I don’t mind at all when she visits. I feel very lucky to have the mother-in-law that I do. My older sister has a mother-in-law she would rather not interact with. It makes me sad she has missed out on a great friendship.
One of the first problems we had occurred during our first year of marriage. We lived close to my mother-in-law because my husband was still helping my mother-in-law to figure out the business her husband had left her. He was spending so much time over there, at least to my mind, that I felt left out. Where was our marital identity? After I spoke to my husband about how I was feeling, things began to change. He would spend time at home first after work before going to his mother’s house. He would invite me to come with him and then I could choose to go or not. James Harper stated, “The husband needs to realize that strengthening his marriage and making certain that his wife feels secure with him is the biggest single thing he can do to help his wife and mother develop a quality relationship.” This is exactly what my husband did.
Harper gives this advice if the parent or parent-in-law relationship becomes too entangled, “First, express love to the parents for all they do. Second, explain the need to further the couple relationship and next, explain how the expectations for being together with the family are getting in the way of their couple relationship.” I have friends who have been in an enmeshment situation and even when following similar advice, the relationship had to end because the parents could not let go of the child. They blamed the spouse for interfering and if the marriage was to survive, the children had to set boundaries that did not include the parents in order to work on their marital identity.
President Spencer W. Kimball said, “Couples do well to immediately find their own home, separate and apart from that of the in-laws on either side. The home may be very modest and unpretentious, but still it is an independent domicile. Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks. You love them more than ever; you cherish their counsel; you appreciate their association; but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who should give it.”
This is wise advice and should be followed by couple when they get married. I feel fortunate to have had good in-law relationships. When my mother-in-law remarried, we have been able to continue our friendship and include the new husband into our family as well. It was not all smooth sailing to add a new person into the family circle, but because we all want what is best for each other, most of those difficulties have gone away. Marriage is a part of the proving ground to become more like our Heavenly Father. The effort and work involved in building a happy marriage is worth every tear shed because of the infinite joy and unity we can experience.
Reference
Harper, J. & Olsen, Susanne (2005) Helping and Healing our Families. Deseret Book Company. Salt Lake City, Ut.
Kimball, S. W. (1977, Mar) Oneness in Marriage. Ensign.
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