Forgiveness: Week 9

John Gottman has some good advice on how to work through those perpetual problems that can invade a marriage.

First, remember that “negative emotions are important.” Negative emotions, when shared with your partner in a gentle way can help you really hear what you partner is saying and what those negative emotions mean.

Second, “no one is right.” Since marriage is not objective, but is subjective, no one can ever be right.  Just because you think you are right does not make is so.  Two people will almost always have differing viewpoints of a situation and it is wise to remember that when having an issue with your spouse.

Third, “acceptance is crucial.”  Each spouse in a marriage needs to feel understood by the other.  Showing respect to the other person and having a good grasp of their personality will go a long way in helping each other when conflict arises.  Validate feelings, even negative ones.  If a spouse feels respected and accepted, they are more likely to listen to advice or make changes for the better.

Fourth, “focus on fondness and admiration.” Focusing on the fondness we have for our spouse and building up the “emotional bank account” to the positive will help us to keep our spouses faults in check.  We will be more willing to accept them as they are, faults and all.

Gottman points out if this advice does not help a marriage, it could be because a spouse needs to forgive the other for a past grievance.  Forgiveness in marriage is essential in order for it to remain a happy one.

In an article from the Ensign, Richard Miller, a professor at BYU from the School of Family Life, stated, “Repentance and forgiveness are complementary principles.  Both invite the healing power of the Atonement to wash over us so that we can maintain peace and harmony in our marriage.”   Brother Miller’s statement was a reminder to me how these two principles go hand in hand and you cannot have one without the other.  In my efforts to forgive, I might need to look further into my own actions and see if repentance is necessary for me too.  I know there have been times when my perception of the situation has been wrong and how I react to it requires repentance on my part as well.

I love this quote by Boyd K. Packer, “All of us carry excess baggage around from time to time, but the wisest ones among us don’t carry it for long.  They get rid of it...Often…the things we carry are petty, even stupid…If you resent someone for something he has done – or failed to do -forget it.  We call that forgiveness.  It is powerful, spiritual medicine.”

The power to forgive is the principle I have most struggled with in my marriage.  I tend to hold a grudge and offer the silent treatment.  I am lucky enough to be blessed with a spouse who is very forgiving and who has taught me much about how to forgive and to let things go.  I think that is the key for me in Elder Packer’s statement.  I am not good at letting it go even if the problem is stupid or petty, which it usually is.  But we all know that holding on to a grudge or other perceived hurt only causes further damage in the marriage.  Learning to let those feelings go and to allow the Atonement to work is the way to keep peace in a marriage.

Reference:

Gottman, J. M. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.  Harmony Books. New York, NY.

Packer, B. (1979, Aug.) The Balm of Gilead. New Era, 39.

Miller, R. (2011, Sept.) Repentance and Forgiveness in Marriage. Ensign. Retreived from http:// www.lds.org/ensign/2011/09/repentance-and-forgiveness-in-marriage?lang=eng.