Marital Identity: Week 13

My husband and I started dating when my mother-in-law was on a trip to Europe.  She had been a widow for almost two years at that point and was trying to find her balance in life.  We dated for two weeks and became engaged. She was still not back from her trip.  When she came home, my husband casually told her he was getting married in three months.  She was shocked because when she left he was not dating anyone.  He wanted me to meet her, but the only time that was convenient for everyone was when my husband was at work.  I went to the house alone to meet my future mother-in-law.  I admit I was scared, worried if she would like me, or if she would think I was good enough for her son.  I should not have been worried.  She has been a great mother-in-law.  She gave the choice of calling her by her given name or mom and said she would not be offended either way.  She has always been so kind and helpful.  We don’t always agree on how to handle things and have different opinions about some issues, but we get along great and I don’t mind at all when she visits.   I feel very lucky to have the mother-in-law that I do.  My older sister has a mother-in-law she would rather not interact with. It makes me sad she has missed out on a great friendship.

One of the first problems we had occurred during our first year of marriage.  We lived close to my mother-in-law because my husband was still helping my mother-in-law to figure out the business her husband had left her.  He was spending so much time over there, at least to my mind, that I felt left out. Where was our marital identity?  After I spoke to my husband about how I was feeling, things began to change.  He would spend time at home first after work before going to his mother’s house.  He would invite me to come with him and then I could choose to go or not.  James Harper stated, “The husband needs to realize that strengthening his marriage and making certain that his wife feels secure with him is the biggest single thing he can do to help his wife and mother develop a quality relationship.”  This is exactly what my husband did.

Harper gives this advice if the parent or parent-in-law relationship becomes too entangled, “First, express love to the parents for all they do.  Second, explain the need to further the couple relationship and next, explain how the expectations for being together with the family are getting in the way of their couple relationship.”  I have friends who have been in an enmeshment situation and even when following similar advice, the relationship had to end because the parents could not let go of the child. They blamed the spouse for interfering and if the marriage was to survive, the children had to set boundaries that did not include the parents in order to work on their marital identity.

President Spencer W. Kimball said, “Couples do well to immediately find their own home, separate and apart from that of the in-laws on either side. The home may be very modest and unpretentious, but still it is an independent domicile. Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks. You love them more than ever; you cherish their counsel; you appreciate their association; but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who should give it.”

This is wise advice and should be followed by couple when they get married.  I feel fortunate to have had good in-law relationships.  When my mother-in-law remarried, we have been able to continue our friendship and include the new husband into our family as well.  It was not all smooth sailing to add a new person into the family circle, but because we all want what is best for each other, most of those difficulties have gone away.  Marriage is a part of the proving ground to become more like our Heavenly Father.   The effort and work involved in building a happy marriage is worth every tear shed because of the infinite joy and unity we can experience.

Reference

Harper, J. & Olsen, Susanne (2005) Helping and Healing our Families. Deseret Book Company.       Salt Lake City, Ut.

Kimball, S. W. (1977, Mar) Oneness in Marriage. Ensign.

Unity: Week 12

President Eyring spoke of unity and what we need to do to become one.  The gospel of Jesus Christ gives us the tools we need.  Those tools are ordinances and covenants and when we are obedient to those ordinances and covenants, and use the Atonement of Christ, have the ability to change our natures and live in unity.  President Eyring stated, “A man and his wife learn to be one by using their similarities to understand each other and their differences to complement each other in serving one another and those around them.”

Mathew O. Richardson gave a great talk on unity in marriage entitled, “Three Principles of Marriage.”  He said, “Unity in marriage is not achieved simply by kneeling at an altar and accepting a spouse. It requires effort for a couple to become one. Marital unity doesn’t mean that spouses agree on everything. It also doesn’t mean they have to spend every minute of every day together, think the same thoughts, and order the same meal at restaurants. Rather than relying on our interpretation of what “one flesh” means in marriage, it would be well to consider this divine concept as taught in the scriptures.”


Richardson references the scriptures and the examples of Adam and Eve to pattern our marriages after. I like that he pointed out we do not have to agree on everything with our spouse in order to become one.  As Eyring stated, it is more about changing our natures through the gospel and having the Spirit with us to make us more like Christ.  This is how one achieves a unified relationship.
Elder Richardson also shared some thoughts by President Kimball in his talk, “To create such a relationship," President Kimball suggested, couples should realize that “each must accept literally and fully that the good of the little new family must always be superior to the good of either spouse.” While this does not remove individual plans, preferences, talents, and goals, it does place both partners on a shared path where they can accommodate and care for each other. President Kimball taught that individuals involved in marriage are to “eliminate the ‘I’ and the ‘my’ and substitute therefore ‘we’ and ‘our.’” He then concluded: “Every decision must take into consideration that now two or more are affected by it.”  Couples who understand and emphasize this mindset avoid selfishness and nurture a deepening unity that makes them one. In other words, they begin to experience what Christ meant when He said “they are no more twain, but one flesh” (Matt. 19:6).”
Marriage can be difficult to combine two separate adults way of thinking.  We have to come together to make decisions, some of them very difficult. But, by putting aside our selfishness and pride, we can come together and do what is best for the family as a whole.  Man and woman, when they come together, create a whole.

Elder Richard G. Scott shared this about the roles of husband and wives, “Those roles are different but entirely compatible. In the Lord’s plan, it takes two—a man and a woman—to form a whole. Indeed, a husband and wife are not two identical halves, but a wondrous, divinely determined combination of complementary capacities and characteristics.  Marriage allows these different characteristics to come together in oneness—in unity—to bless a husband and wife, their children and grandchildren. For the greatest happiness and productivity in life, both husband and wife are needed.”  Elder Richardson shared, “Our Father knew exactly what He was doing when He created us. He made us enough alike to love each other, but enough different that we would need to unite our strengths and stewardships to create a whole. Neither man nor woman is perfect or complete without the other.”

I am grateful for this wise council.  Becoming one in marriage does not mean we have lost our own identity and just follow blindly along.  Instead, it requires us to become followers of Christ and to work together for the good of the marriage and for the family.  This is God’s plan for us, the Great Plan of Happiness.   It is achievable if we are willing to work and submit our will to the Lord’s will. It may not always be easy, but it is worth the effort for the rewards are great.

Reference

Scott, R. G. (1996, Nov.) The Joy of Living the Great Plan of Happiness. Ensign.

Richardson, M. O. (2005, Apr.) Three Principles of Marriage. Ensign.

Eyring, H. B. (1998, May) That We May Be One. Ensign.
 

Spiritual Fidelity Week 11

I was struck by the story from the BYU-Idaho student who wrote about being emotionally unfaithful.  I feel the problem of being emotionally unfaithful is more common that we think.  When times get tough in a marriage, sometimes it is easy to look for support from someone else.  Kenneth Matheson stated this is a form of spiritual infidelity.  He said, “Fidelity also means complete commitment, trust, and respect between husband and wife.”  Spiritual infidelity is one that occurs gradually and sometimes you might not even know it is happening to you until it is too late.  Matheson gave an example of questions to answer to see if you might be falling into the trap of emotional infidelity:

“Are you turning to your friend for comfort rather than turning to your spouse?”
“Do you find yourself thinking about your friend even when you’re at home?”
“Do you seek opportunities to be with your friend even when work doesn’t require you to be together?”
“Do you e-mail and text your friend when you’re not together?”
“Have you told your spouse about these messages?”
“Does the relationship with your friend take more of your time and energy than your relationship with your spouse?”
“Do you compare your spouse to your friend?”
“Would you be uncomfortable introducing your spouse to your friend?”

President Kimball stated, “There are those married people who permit their eyes to wander and their hearts to become vagrant, who think it is not improper to flirt a little, to share their hearts and have desire for someone other than the wife or the husband. The Lord says in no uncertain terms: “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else” (D&C 42:22).
And, when the Lord says all thy heart, it allows for no sharing nor dividing nor depriving. And, to the woman it is paraphrased: “Thou shalt love thy husband with all thy heart and shalt cleave unto him and none else.”

Matheson also shared how important it is to work on our spiritual fidelity.  He said, “This phrase underscores the seriousness of the choices we make because it recognizes the eternal potential of our marital relationships as well as the importance of acting in accordance with the promptings of the Holy Ghost. Spiritual fidelity also causes us to consider the sacred covenants we have made in the temple and how the very nature of our thoughts and deeds can undermine those covenants. In other words, if a person is unfaithful spiritually he is not honoring his temple covenants even though he has not committed physical acts of intimacy.”

Spiritual fidelity can be restored through repentance, using the power of the Atonement to help in healing, prayer, fasting, and temple attendance.  Gottman has taught us to work on our love maps, enhance our fondness and admiration, and to turn towards each other in order to put the emphasis back onto our partner and marriage.  It will take time if spiritual fidelity is broken to rebuild trust and loyalty.  While I have no direct experience with spiritual infidelity, I can see how easily it could happen to a couple.  This class has helped me to continue to put my marriage first, to not forget about date nights, to develop my love map, and to have a greater appreciation for my spouse, which helps to build my spiritual fidelity to my husband.

Reference

Matheson, K.W. (2009.Sept) Fidelity in Marriage: It’s More Than You Think. Ensign.

Gottman, J. M. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.  Harmony Books. New York, NY.

Magic Six Hours: Week 10

Dr. John Gottman talked about the magic six hours in a marriage.  This is the amount of time it takes in a week for a couple to continue to connect and move their marriage forward.  Couples who use the magic six hours are spending time and effort to keep their marriage on the right track.  Here are the suggestions from Dr. Gottman of what to do in those six hours:

Partings:  Say goodbye in the morning and before you go, learn what your spouse has planned for the day.  Do this every work day.

Reunions:  Give a hug and a kiss when you see each other at the end of the day and also talk about how the day went.  Do this every work day

Admirations and appreciation:  Look for opportunities to share and communicate genuine affection or appreciation to your spouse.  Do this every day.

Affection:  Make sure to show physical affection to your spouse every day.  Give a kiss and a good night hug every night before bed.  Do this every day.

Weekly Date:  Spend time together, just the two of you to relax and be romantic.  This is a good time to ask open ended questions and really connect with your spouse. Do this every week.

State of the Union Meeting:  Meet for one hour each week to talk about the marriage and relationship. Gottman suggests talking about what went right during the week, giving five appreciations to each other, talk about issues that may have arisen, and end the session with, “What can I do to make you feel loved this coming week?”

This is good advice from Gottman to help us work on our marriages. 

President Thomas S. Monson has some great advice to go along with what Gottman had to say about marriage:

“Find someone with whom you can be compatible. Realize that you will not be able to anticipate every challenge which may arise, but be assured that almost anything can be worked out if you are resourceful and if you are committed to making your marriage work… when you are married, be fiercely loyal one to another. Priceless advice comes from a small framed plaque I once saw in the home of an uncle and aunt. It read, “Choose your love; love your choice.” There is great wisdom in those few words. Commitment in marriage is absolutely essential. If any of you are having difficulty in your marriage, I urge you to do all that you can to make whatever repairs are necessary, that you might be as happy as you were when your marriage started out. We who are married in the house of the Lord do so for time and for all eternity, and then we must put forth the necessary effort to make it so.”

As with Gottman, President Monson did not say marriage would be easy.  It takes effort, sacrifice, and commitment, but it also takes a great deal of love and affection for our spouses.  The more we work on our marriages and show love to our spouses, the more we want to spend time with our spouses.  I know when I make the effort to be appreciative and affectionate with my spouse, I find I want to do it again and again.  This reminds me of being a committed disciple of Christ.  The more time I spend on learning about Christ, the more I want to know about Him and do His will.  He is rooting for me to be committed to my marriage and being willing to make the effort to keep my marriage strong.

Gottman, J. M. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.  Harmony Books. New York, NY.

Monson, T. (2011, May) Priesthood Power.  Ensign.

Forgiveness: Week 9

John Gottman has some good advice on how to work through those perpetual problems that can invade a marriage.

First, remember that “negative emotions are important.” Negative emotions, when shared with your partner in a gentle way can help you really hear what you partner is saying and what those negative emotions mean.

Second, “no one is right.” Since marriage is not objective, but is subjective, no one can ever be right.  Just because you think you are right does not make is so.  Two people will almost always have differing viewpoints of a situation and it is wise to remember that when having an issue with your spouse.

Third, “acceptance is crucial.”  Each spouse in a marriage needs to feel understood by the other.  Showing respect to the other person and having a good grasp of their personality will go a long way in helping each other when conflict arises.  Validate feelings, even negative ones.  If a spouse feels respected and accepted, they are more likely to listen to advice or make changes for the better.

Fourth, “focus on fondness and admiration.” Focusing on the fondness we have for our spouse and building up the “emotional bank account” to the positive will help us to keep our spouses faults in check.  We will be more willing to accept them as they are, faults and all.

Gottman points out if this advice does not help a marriage, it could be because a spouse needs to forgive the other for a past grievance.  Forgiveness in marriage is essential in order for it to remain a happy one.

In an article from the Ensign, Richard Miller, a professor at BYU from the School of Family Life, stated, “Repentance and forgiveness are complementary principles.  Both invite the healing power of the Atonement to wash over us so that we can maintain peace and harmony in our marriage.”   Brother Miller’s statement was a reminder to me how these two principles go hand in hand and you cannot have one without the other.  In my efforts to forgive, I might need to look further into my own actions and see if repentance is necessary for me too.  I know there have been times when my perception of the situation has been wrong and how I react to it requires repentance on my part as well.

I love this quote by Boyd K. Packer, “All of us carry excess baggage around from time to time, but the wisest ones among us don’t carry it for long.  They get rid of it...Often…the things we carry are petty, even stupid…If you resent someone for something he has done – or failed to do -forget it.  We call that forgiveness.  It is powerful, spiritual medicine.”

The power to forgive is the principle I have most struggled with in my marriage.  I tend to hold a grudge and offer the silent treatment.  I am lucky enough to be blessed with a spouse who is very forgiving and who has taught me much about how to forgive and to let things go.  I think that is the key for me in Elder Packer’s statement.  I am not good at letting it go even if the problem is stupid or petty, which it usually is.  But we all know that holding on to a grudge or other perceived hurt only causes further damage in the marriage.  Learning to let those feelings go and to allow the Atonement to work is the way to keep peace in a marriage.

Reference:

Gottman, J. M. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.  Harmony Books. New York, NY.

Packer, B. (1979, Aug.) The Balm of Gilead. New Era, 39.

Miller, R. (2011, Sept.) Repentance and Forgiveness in Marriage. Ensign. Retreived from http:// www.lds.org/ensign/2011/09/repentance-and-forgiveness-in-marriage?lang=eng.

Accepting Influence and Pride

 Power is craved by the natural man.  Power is the ability to act or produce an effect or the possession of control, authority or influence over others.  Some men and women often feel the need to be in power or control their marriages and not let the other spouse have any influence over them. Historically, this has been a man’s issue where they are the ones in control, but I believe it can shift and become the woman’s issue.  Influencing our spouse and accepting influence from our spouse is not giving up power or control.   It is allowing spouses to honor and respect each other.  As Dr. Gottman puts it, husbands who are emotionally intelligent tend to have happier marriages because they accept the influence of their wives.  This leads the wife to be less negative and nagging to her husband.  And the opposite is true as well.  Dr. Gottman states, “Accepting influence is an attitude, but it’s also a skill that you can hone if you pay attention to how you relate to your spouse.”  

I agree with Dr. Gottman.  Attitude makes a difference.  I know if I have a negative attitude about a problem in my marriage, then talking about the problem is not going to go well.  For example, I have a negative attitude about budgets.  I am not sure exactly why I have such a negative attitude, but I feel constricted and very uncomfortable with one.  For many years, I avoided talking about a budget with my husband.  I would not accept any of his influence in this area.  Over time, I have learned how important it is to have a budget and that it is not constricting, but freeing.  By finally allowing my husband to influence my attitude about our budget, I have been happier about keeping one and it has become easier to adhere to it.   And, I admit it, he was right all along, which leads me to that word, pride.  I had to be humbled in order to accept my husband’s influence.  I needed to put away my selfish pride.

Pride is the universal sin.  It affects each and every one of us.  Pride causes us to fear what men think of us by making us competitive with one another and to look down on each other.  Pride causes us to not accept God’s will in our lives.  Pride causes us to become more selfish and feel we always have to be right.   Allowing pride to enter into a marriage can have devastating effects on the relationship.  I love what H. Wallace Goddard said about how to deal with pride, “Two processes were named above for dealing with natural human narrow-mindedness: getting heaven’s perspective and being open to our partner’s point of view.”  Humility and repentance are the keys to unlock heaven’s perspective and our partner’s perspective.  We can see those perceptive when we turn ourselves over to God and see things through His eyes.  President Benson states, “Think of the repentance that could take place with lives changed, marriages preserved, and homes strengthened, if pride did not keep us from confessing our sins and forsaking them. …“The antidote for pride is humility—meekness, submissiveness. …“Let us choose to be humble.”   I am choosing to work on being humble, to repent and to forgive.  Each of these is necessary to make my marriage an even happier one. 

Reference
Power (2017) Merriman-Webster.com.  Retrieved on February 24, 2017 from http//www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/power.

Gottman, J. M. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.  Harmony Books. New York, NY. 

Goddard, H. W. (2009) Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage: Eternal Doctrines that Change Relationships. Joymap Publishing. Cedar Hills, UT.

Benson, E. T. (1989, May) Beware of Pride. Ensign, 4.

Turning Toward Each Other: Week 7

   

                                           

                                                Fishing In Alaska, by Martha Arnell
     One important aspect of a marriage is to show interest in your spouse's interests. Through the years I've tried to be a cheerleader when my husband brought home game after hunting, fishing etc. My father wasn't a hunter or fisherman, so this was a change for me. We have a set of mounted deer and moose antlers on our wall in our family room. Also, since my husband has been into running and especially marathon running, I've tried to be his greatest supporter and cheerleader. We now have 19 marathon medals hanging on the deer antlers in our family room.
    My husband has always desired to travel to Alaska to go fishing in a back-country river-trip. His opportunity came the summer of 2009. Of course, I was also invited. Traveling down a river in a raft all day and camping in tents in the wilds each night along the side of the river was not my greatest desire (I enjoy camping in my fifth wheel!). Anyway, I committed to my husband that I would go on the trip, support him, and not complain. The first day on our week-long river-trip, some no-see-um bugs and some horsefly type bugs bit my ears and face. When I awoke in the tent the next morning I felt strange with large swollen ears and eyes. I luckily had brought some over-the-counter allergy medicine, which helped somewhat with the swelling. But the greatest help was the blessing I asked for from my husband that morning outside our tent. He enjoyed his trip greatly, a life-time experience. I didn't complain and survived my bitten face, which took another month to look normal.
After reading the story form Martha Arnell, “Fishing in Alaska,” I had to ask myself, would I go through that experience for my spouse?  Well, maybe not that particular one, but I know I have gone through experiences where I was not the most comfortable, but I did it because it was important to him.  My take away from the story was we do things for our spouse we don’t necessarily want to, but because we now it is important to them and we want to make them happy, we do it anyway.

     I know I want to make my spouse happy.  I do have to work at it and I know I make many mistakes along the way.  Dr. Gottman’s information about turning towards each other instead of away helps to build that emotional bond between husband and wife.  As I look back in my marriage, I can see when I turned towards my spouse and when I turned away.  These bids for attention from one’s spouse are important to keeping the relationship in a positive state. This week, I have already noticed some bids for attention from my husband and some bids I have sent to him.  So far, these bids have resulted in a turning towards each other and the benefits from doing so have increased my positive bank account and I think it has for my husband as well.

     The emotional bank account is an account that can be either negative or positive.  As Dr. Gottman describes it, “Each time partners turn toward each other, they are funding what I’ve come to call their emotional bank account.  They are building up savings that, like money in the back, can serve as a cushion when times get rough, when they’re faced with major life stress or conflict.” Sure, our bids are not always met with a turning towards each other, but the swelling feeling of love is definitely worth the effort to try.

     Turning toward your spouse can take a leap of faith.  We might be hurt by being turned away or we could be doing the turning away.  Faith is marriage is necessary and Goddard’s thoughts on faith in how it pertains to marriage are also pertinent to this week’s discussion.  He talked about how we sometimes in this life focus too much on the mundane and trivial stuff, which causes us to find fault with our partners, but having faith can change our perspective to an eternal one giving us more patience to deal with each other’s faults. Faith causes us to look outward instead of inward.  We spend less time dwelling on negative things and more on positive things.  I loved this from his book, “Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ requires that we trust God is working to rescue our spouses even as He is working to rescue us.”  We are all in need of God’s rescue, or to have the faith to become even a little bit more like Him as we journey through our time on earth. President Uchtdorf said in a recent conference address:
“Somehow, as the days multiply and the color of romantic love changes, there are some who slowly stop thinking of each other’s happiness and start noticing the little faults. In such an environment, some are enticed by the tragic conclusion that their spouse isn’t smart enough, fun enough, or young enough. And somehow they get the idea that this gives them justification to start looking elsewhere. Brethren, those who save their marriages understand that this pursuit takes time, patience, and, above all, the blessings of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. It requires you to be kind, envy not, seek not your own, not be easily provoked, think no evil, and rejoice in the truth. In other words, it requires charity, the pure love of Christ.1  All this won’t just happen in an instant. Great marriages are built brick by brick, day after day, over a lifetime.  And that is good news.  Because no matter how flat your relationship may be at the present, if you keep adding pebbles of kindness, compassion, listening, sacrifice, understanding, and selflessness, eventually a mighty pyramid will begin to grow.”

   Our marriages will be enhanced as we let the power of the Atonement work for each of us as we work through our irritations with each other and follow President Uchtdorf’s advice to build our marriages brick by brick.

References:

Gottman, J. M. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.  Harmony Books. New York, NY.

Goddard, H. W. (2009) Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage: Eternal Doctrines that Change Relationships. Joymap Publishing. Cedar Hills, UT.

Uchtdorf, D. (2016, May) In Praise of Those Who Save. Ensign.