Love Maps: Week 6

After reading the title of the first principle, “Enhance Your Love Maps,” in Gottman’s book, I was intrigued.  What is a love map?  A love map is the area of the brain where you store the relevant information about your spouse.  It reminds me of intentional living.  We make room in our brains for important information about our spouses for us to refer to in the future.  This information helps us to really get to know our spouses on a deeper level and by doing so we come to really love the true them.  According to Gottman, it is with this knowledge that we will have the strength to withstand the storms that may come to our marriages.  I can see how this would be true.  If we are intentionally trying to learn about our spouse, find out how their day went, and keep up with likes and dislikes, it can only serve to help us when trials arise and keep the connection we have alive.

Working on our love maps requires some sacrifice on our parts.  We have to be willing to invest the time and effort it will take to get to know another person on a deep level.  Marriage can be a series of negotiations over who sleeps on what side of the bed, who pays the bills, who takes care of the trash, who plans date night, what cereal are we going to buy, how are we dividing up household chores, and other tasks that a marriage will face. As we work together to negotiate, having a love map helps us to understand the other person better and see where they are coming from.  It will keep the negotiations on a more stable level instead of turning them into a more difficult challenge.  Goddard stated that “marriage is God’s finishing school.”  As we work through our trials and challenges in marriage, we learn to look for the good instead of the irritations.

I really liked this quote from our readings this week,

“Avoid ‘ceaseless pinpricking.’ Don’t be too critical of each other’s faults. Recognize that none of us is perfect. We all have a long way to go to become as Christlike as our leaders have urged us to become.

“ ‘Ceaseless pinpricking,’ as President Spencer W. Kimball called it, can deflate almost any marriage. … Generally each of us is painfully aware of our weaknesses, and we don’t need frequent reminders. Few people have ever changed for the better as a result of constant criticism or nagging. If we are not careful, some of what we offer as constructive criticism is actually destructive”

                    - Elder Joe J. Christensen

This is a great reminder to look for the good and try to work through the irritations. It gives us the opportunity to work on our love maps.  I know I struggle at times to share the more detailed information about my life and my world.  My husband and I have been married for almost 23 years.  There have been years where I did not share some of my more personal thoughts and feelings, mostly because I felt embarrassed by them.  I could feel the distance between us and I did not like how it felt.  I have personally been working harder to be more open and willing to share my struggles and dreams.  It has made a huge difference in how I view my husband and how I view my marriage.  I do still feel embarrassed to share some of my feelings, but I do it anyway and it is becoming easier.  I can see how the use of a love map can greatly enhance a marriage for the better.  Does it mean that all the work is done?  No, it will be an ongoing process to always discover something new about our spouse.

References

Gottman, J. M. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.  Harmony Books. New York, NY.

Goddard, H. W. (2009) Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage: Eternal Doctrines that Change Relationships. Joymap Publishing. Cedar Hills, UT.

Friendship: Week 5

The definition of friend in the Merriam-Webster dictionary is “one attached to another by affection or esteem or a favored companion.”  When we get married, I agree with Dr. John Gottman that we should not only be in love with our spouses, but we need to be friends with our spouses.  Friends are the people who are cheering for us and supporting us.  Friends help us to achieve our dreams and goals.  Friends are there when life does not go right and help us through our trials.  Sometimes we fight with our friends, but we make up.  Why would we not want our spouse to also be our friend?   Gottman stated, “Friendship is a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company,” and, “Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.” I agree with him. 

I have noticed through the years that friendship can sometimes wax and wane.  It takes work to maintain a good friendship where good feelings override everything else.  There have been times in my marriage where those good feelings have been overridden by negativity and criticism.  It takes a concerted effort to turn those feelings around to the positive.  In reading H. Wallace Goddard’s book, "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage," it reminded me we have to change our mindset.  Instead of focusing so much on myself, I should focus on my spouse and what feelings he may be having.  I have been blessed with a very compassionate spouse.  He is very even in temperament.  He is also good at reminding me when I am getting a little out of control with my tone of voice or words.  This always brings me right back to looking at my spouse as my friend and not my enemy.

I know no marriage is perfect and I know no marriage is the same.  I always fall back to the example of my paternal grandparents’ marriage.  It was not perfect, but I could clearly see how much they loved each other and how devoted they were to each other.  My grandparents raised six children, owned their own business and worked together at it, and never tired of being together.  You could always find my grandmother in the kitchen cooking something because she wanted to make sure her husband had good food to eat for all his meals.  My grandfather always worked hard and would come home to enjoy his meals, which he always thanked grandma for profusely.  After retirement, grandma was still always in the kitchen with grandpa sitting at the bar of the kitchen to be with her. They were a model of friendship and love until the end.   It reminded me of the comparison in Goddard's book on the Good Samaritan.  I had not looked at the story of the Good Samaritan and compared it to marriage, but what an effective way to show how marriage should be.  The Good Samaritan did all that Christ would to help ensure the safety of the battered man on the road.  He cared for him and paid for his continued care.  I hope to continually grow in compassion like the Good Samaritan for my spouse and keep improving my marriage.  Marriage is a good proving ground, which helps us to grow in gospel concepts as we support and lift each other up. 

References

Gottman, J. M. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.  Harmony Books. New York, NY.

Goddard, H. W. (2009) Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage: Eternal Doctrines that Change Relationships. Joymap Publishing. Cedar Hills, UT.

Friend. (2017) In Merriam-Webster.com. Retreived January 31, 2017, from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/friend#h1

Henry Ford. Brainy Quote.com. Retrieved January 31, 2017, from//www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_friendship.html

Henry Van Dyke. Brainy Quote.com. Retrieved January 31, 2017, from //www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_friendship.html

Eternal Marriage: Week 4

After reading Elder Bruce C. Hafen’s talk on marriage, it made me realize how important our marriage covenant is.  He points out that marriage is a covenant we make with our Heavenly Father and our spouse.  Notice he said covenant and not a contract. A contract implies something that can be gotten out of or torn up.  If you have the view that marriage is just a contract, the world has made it very easy to get out of it.  A covenant we take more seriously and, in my opinion, work harder at to make it work.  It is eternal in nature.  It deserves all of our attention and effort.  Elder Hafen spoke about three "wolves" will eventually affect each marriage.  This made me think about each wolf and how we have handled them in our marriage. 

The first wolf, natural adversity, cannot be avoided by anyone.  There will always be situations that affect the marriage, either a death, a serious illness, job loss, or wishing to have a child.  This wolf will be different for everyone, but it is how we handle the adversity that matters. We have had to deal with the adversity wolf a few times, mostly in regards to job loss.  My husband has been laid off three times during our marriage.  Each time, it was not due to anything he did, but either downsizing, bad economy, or bankruptcy on the part of the company.  I have seen many marriages fail when this particular adversity hits.  If feel we handle this wolf well because we took our marriage covenants seriously and we were willing to work together to make it through those tough financial times.  Some questions we can ask each other before adversity hits are, Will we handle it together?  Will we allow the Lord in to help us through and heal us?  By preparing for adversity before it hits, the wolf will have less impact on our marriage.

The second wolf, their own imperfections, will always be a test of marriage.  No one is perfect and we will have trials related to our own imperfections.  We can work on those imperfections or not.  We can allow others to bring us down.  We can allow others to lift us up.  The more we try to work on our own imperfections and lift and support our spouses instead of bringing them down, the better our marriage will be.  My husband and I are far from perfect, but we do try to keep our imperfections in check.  We call each other out when an imperfection is getting in the way of good communication.  I get called out a lot because my style of communication is not always the best to achieve harmony.  It has taken me awhile to learn and I am getting better at communicating, but it is because my spouse had patience with me and was willing to endure some rough communication to get to the good.  

The third wolf, excessive individualism, is, in my opinion, one of the greatest issues in marriages today.  We can see in the world around us how everyone is out for themselves.  Elder Hafen notes that this attitude of society is what has made marriage seem more like a contract and easy to get out of.  There is no sense of belonging to one another.  He also points out that while we should respect each other as individuals, that does not mean we cannot belong to each other in the eternal sense. Selfishness is one example of how we are out for only ourselves. There are times when I catch myself acting very selfish.  I have had to stop and pray to help work myself out of those feelings.  This is not an easy task for me and I am sure it is difficult for a lot of people.  We want to be able to feel valued in our marriages and when we don’t, we sometimes just take what we want instead of working with our spouses to make improvements in the marriage.  After all, it takes three people to make a marriage work, husband, wife and the Lord.

Marriage requires work.  It requires sacrifice and sharing with the other person.  Keeping an eternal perspective and understanding the sacred nature of the marriage covenant will help us as we strive to work on our marriage, which, in turn, will become more satisfying. President Kimball stated, “Happiness does not come by pressing a button….It must be earned.”   

References

Hafen, B. (1996, Nov.) Covenant Marriage. Ensign.

Kimball, S. W. (1976) Marriage and Divorce. Deseret Book. Salt Lake City.

Threats to Marriage: Week 3

This week for class, I read the opinion of the Supreme Court in Obergefell V. Hodges, which is the court’s ruling on same sex marriage.  I found it very interesting, although a little difficult to understand.  I believe it was included in our readings this week because it highlights part of the problem this country is having in regards to the marriage argument.  One issue I see is that the court, while it felt it was following “due process,” was truly following the winds of change in society.  This ruling seemed to come about because of the pressure the justices might have been under or their own feelings about same sex marriage.  This ruling has put into jeopardy religious freedom and also seems to have caused the rule of law to be ignored by not allowing the State’s to form their own laws by the will of the people.

In Justice Robert’s dissent, he stated, “Allowing unelected federal judges to select which unenumerated rights rank as “fundamental” and to strike down state laws on the basis of that determination -raises obvious concerns about the judicial role. Our precedents have accordingly insisted that judges ‘exercise the utmost care’ in identifying implied fundamental rights, les the liberty protected by the Due Process Clause be subtly transformed into the policy preferences of the Members of the Court.”  What this says to me is that he is acknowledging that the other members of the court seem to be putting their own politics in play instead of following the law.  The majority of the Court seemed to think legalizing gay marriage was for the public good.  The majority of the Court assumed the Fourteenth Amendment writers did not understand all the freedoms that would need to be included so left it to future generations to figure out its meaning.  Because the majority proclaimed this, Justice Scalia stated, “This is a naked judicial claim to legislate – indeed, super-legislative – power, a claim fundamentally at odds with our system of government.”  He is pointing out how the majority of the Court are over stepping their bounds in reversing the Sixth Court of appeals decision to uphold the states laws on gay marriage. 

By including this in the reading this week, it helps me to see how traditional marriage is under attack from all avenues and that our religious freedom to believe in traditional marriage may also be in jeopardy.  The Supreme court has set a precedent now that they may legislate from the bench.  Since this is not their function in government, we, the people, need to be more aware of what the law and the constitution states. 

For me, marriage will always be between a man and a woman.  It is God’s law and His law cannot be changed by man. The difficulty in this discussion on same sex marriage is how we approach our views without hurting a person who happens to believe in same sex marriage.  Just as they have the right to their opinion, I surely have the right to mine.  As Justice Robert’s said, “It is one thing for the majority to conclude that the Constitution protects a right to same-sex marriage; it is something else to portray everyone who does not share the majority’s better informed understanding as bigoted.” Alexander Dushku rightly pointed out that we need to still have civil discourse about this topic and those of us who believe in marriage between a man and woman should not be afraid of judgement or ridicule.  He mentioned how the Prolife and abortion rights activists can still discuss their viewpoints without being called bigoted or other worse names.  Neither side should give up their beliefs or their right to talk about it.

Same-sex marriage is a controversial subject, but I can still have compassion for my fellow man when discussing it.  As Elder Nelson stated, “Proclaim your love for all human beings ‘with malice toward none, with charity for all.’ They, as children of God are our brothers and sisters.  We value their rights and feelings.” 

References

Dushku, A. (Writer). (2015, July 7). Religious Freedom Annual Review (Conference) [Video file]. Retrieved January 13, 2017, from http://www.iclrs.org/content/events/111/2130.mp4

The religious freedom implications of the Supreme Court’s decision on same-sex marriage in Obergefell V. Hodges.

Obergefell v. Hodges, 576 U.S. (June 26, 2015).

Nelson, R. (2014, Aug. 14) Disciples of Jesus Christ – Defenders of  Marriage. Brigham Young University Commencement. Retrieved January 16, 2017, from https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/russell-m-nelson_disciples-jesus-christ-defenders-marriage/

Marriage Trends and Divorce: Week 2

Marriage is declining.  Divorce rates are high.  Cohabitation is on the rise.  These headlines are a bit disturbing to those that believe in traditional marriage.  How does one go about teaching others the importance of marriage to a society that has continually shifting attitudes towards marriage? 

It is time to get back to basics and understand the purpose of marriage and how it impacts children.  President Kimball’s quote on marriage states, “Many of the social restraints which in the past have helped to reinforce and to shore up the family are dissolving and disappearing.  The time will come when only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families in the midst of the gathering evil around us.”  As society is falling further down the path the adversary intends, now is the time for those of us who believe in marriage and family to stand up and share our beliefs and do what we can to reinforce its importance.

What do I believe about marriage and family? As it states in the Family Proclamation, “The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan.”   I believe that families are the purpose of the Plan of Salvation and why we are here on earth.  Families serve as an opportunity to learn to become more like our Heavenly Father.  Marriage means commitment, being selfless, loving and supporting each other, sacrifice, and working together for the good of the family. 

When a marriage is over and ends in divorce, it can have a severe impact on children.  Children, in general, from families that experience divorce, have a higher rate of problems with emotions and in behavior and academics than children who remain in a two-parent household (Amato). In a great talk given by Dallin H. Oaks, he states, "Think first of the children.  Because divorce separates the interest of children from the interests of their parents, children are its first victims." ABC News ran a video segment about a Divorce School.  I feel something like this should available for all children who experience a divorce.  The opportunity to share their feelings and to learn how to handle with the divorce is an invaluable resource to children.  It also lets the parents know how the divorce has impacted their children and then, hopefully, they will be better equipped to help their children through the transition.  I do think there are times when divorce is best and probably necessary.  If a child is constantly around fighting and bickering, or abuse or serious transgressions have occurred, it could have more impact on the child than coming from a divorced family.

Marriages can be repaired, in most circumstances, when both partners are willing to fully commit and work at it.  Counseling may be a tool used to help facilitate the work needed to make a marriage whole again.  Prayer is powerful and can help the healing process begin.  Sometimes repentance is needed from both partners.  The Lord should be included in the marriage and will help both partners in their commitment to the marriage.

I am thankful for a loving Heavenly Father whose plan for us is based on marriage and families. My family includes the best friends I have on earth.  Dallin H Oaks offers great comfort when he stated, "Whatever the outcome and no matter how difficult your experiences, you have the promise that you will not be denied the blessings of eternal family relationships if you love the Lord, keep His commandments, and just do the best you can," and "A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman.  It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection."

References

Amato, P. (Fall, 2005) The Impact of Family Formation Change on the Cognitive, Social and Emotional Well-Being of the Next Generation.  The Future of Children. 15(2), 75-9.

Oaks, D.H. (May 2007) Divorce. Ensign.